Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
