already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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