i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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