At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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