Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
