I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
