I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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