The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
