The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I want her autograph on my taint
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
