i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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