I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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