I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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