I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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