pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Randomize
