I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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