He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
