So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
i think i just lost a toe
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
