I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
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