his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
