from now on my penis is your penis
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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