I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
