I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
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