Will you blow on my dice?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
