This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Please don't give away my fajitas
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
