Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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