Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
