Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize