Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
