I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
