I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
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