just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
