please come you make the beer taste better
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Randomize
