she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
