they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
