I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
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