for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
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