i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
