y did u give ur computer a hand job?
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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