Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
