what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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