fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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