ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
