So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
