He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
