If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize