we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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