just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
