We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
