I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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