My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
