You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
