I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
