This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
