guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
no, he came in my armpit
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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