I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
