my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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